El: Jesus, he's a bit keen Jon: That's because I got a sweet sixteen/ You hear the synergy of him and me like seeing split screen/ Nick is in between glittering machines where beats are guillotined/ Stripped clean to fit the slip stream.../ Brighton at the height of summer/ Freestyling by the surf with the drummers and the fire jugglers/ Hypnotised by the flying colours/ Like munted clubbers I'm trying to summarise life but just mumbling something or other/ And lyricists sneer because they're afeared of us/ But if the wind veers they could keep that appearance.. so serious/ Maybe cos they synchronised their periods/ So I'm here to cheer them up.../ We come from a wonderful chunk of the country, rolling with summer soul/ Girls to make you somersault/ So if you're stuck and uncomfortable somewhere no fun at all/ Then make like an old tampon and get out that bloody hole. El: And we got Nick Maxwell on the crossfader Jon: Welcome to the Special School, we're freaks of nature El: And we got breath control like ladies in labour Jon: Honey we're the dream dreamers, we're the music makers El: Well I'm Elemental and I'm meant to be eccentric and different/ Extra prolific vivisectionist, I left em in stitches/ I'm never resting wrecking sets, legendary lyrics/ And I'm offset with sets of gimmicks and we're ready to rip it.. And kids are getting pathetic Jon: But dude, do not fear! El: The crew got here's so deep, we got scuba gear/ I'm like a superhero with tunes for years/ On the loose like a stampede of moose or deer/ With loops and clear flutes for my souveniers/ Of all the moods, tears, fears and the boos and cheers/ But through the years...assume that I'm moving near/ I'm producing the proof that'll prove I'm here.../.. To stay, done blazed, done working everyday/ Cos today is the tomorrow I worked on yesterday/ Rejected renegade, next guest'll get the brakes/ So when the rest get all rejected, I still get the extra play... Jon: And we got Nick Maxwell on the crossfader El: Yo we pack a lightsaber like Lord Vader Jon: And we wade in making waves in a town of wasters El: We're just two gents rocking Special School blazers

( The leaders of today show us the way. All together now...) Jon: Nah, we aren't keen to be in charge, are we? El: Hardly. Jon: I find that hierarchies nark me/ But when art scenes start becoming arsey nazis...El!.. El: Wot! Jon: They drive me bloody kamikaze El: I hate promoters who throw a low blow cos they don't know a dope show/ Loaded with prose from the so so/ So openings blow, most people don't go/ And acts are solo like Han and don't grow Jon: RunDMC really triggered me to spit/ But Run recently's been preaching bout some creepy shit/ Some Prosperity belief for rich greedy pigs/ Cheap as chips/ Just an old skeezer like Eedy Britt El: Yeah we're giving out a scolding like a sarge does a rookie/ Like a father catching sons snatching jars for the cookie/ They're about to get a spanking cos they're dirty like a secret/ About to walk the plank cos they deserve it and they need it Jon: You get them cretins pausing at pedestrian crossings/ When the next oncoming threat is a kilometre off from them/ Astonishing.../ Oi! These crossings are for the blind populace/ With guide dogs, holding white walking sticks El: Motorists show their fists at the slightest provocation/ Chauvanistic posed as righteous road raging Jon: I'm so dismayed! El: Some people should never play at parenthood/ Who never took the time to play like every single parent should... Hook: Nothing is getting better El: Doesn't it make you sick? Jon: Nah you're just wingeing Hook: It's like a bad dream so have a good scream and panic!... Jon: Pfff...I laugh at drama queens starting scenes, charged and steaming/ Feeding off of petty things, are they so starved of meaning?/ Whenever I'm feeling like my calm's receding/ Then I cast a fleeting glance up at the starry evening El: Oh I hate job's worths, working in jobs/ Who treat the person's below as the dirtiest slobs/ So every posh snob with a surplus of cash../ Treats every other job like it's worthless and bad Jon: From an early age I played on cityscapes like monkey frames/ Believe they call it 'Free Running' these days/ As companies make commodities and jump any craze.../ The stuff that we rate just becomes a bloody cliche El: Hi! Have you thought about a personal loan? Jon: Just re-mortgage your home El: Don't delay! Jon: Just pick up the phone! El: Oh for Christ sakes am I the one to bubble like a cauldron.../ Get my willow cane and administer a scolding? Jon: First against the wall should be Kim Cattrall/ Chris 'ginger balls' Evans... El: And the Fun Loving Criminals/ Jon: That biddy Noel Edmunds and Davina Mcall/ Needles in dolls of Liam Gallagher and Steven Seagal El: Anne Robinson, Dermot o Leary, Michael Parkinson/ And don't get me started on Carol Vordermann and Clarkson/ Stars who use the cause then conveniently stroll away/ I'm talking Bono, Robbie Williams and that cunt from Coldplay.

Longusto: My condition all started in Prague/ When I went over to visit the visitor's strip bar/ Largeing in Braha 1, shopping for honeys/ With a pocket full of woppers and the monopoly money/ And I go through the brothel door/ Ballsy and cock-sure/ Ready for a drink and a lot more/ Propositioning the women sitting within the vicinity of me, I'm trying to speak with a dropped jaw/ I pick one of them/ Pay the cashier, then I disappear up to the room for a lot of fun/ We get there/ 10 seconds later we're bare on the bed with her legs in the air/ The only problem was that when I got down to it couldn't do it cos my knob had gone soft/ Now she's laughing, slagging me off/ And now I gone gone flaccid and I can't get it up... El: I found her out of work, I'm astounded by the round arse/ Half classy girl with a foul mouthed laugh/ She allowed me to take her out, thought my luck was heading up/ Picked her up, threw some quips, great, I didn't fuck it up/ Took her out to dinner, laughed over Calamari/ Got the bill, she took my hand and said ' I want to party...'/ I had a couple pills for just such an occasion/ Went to Audio and hit the floor like we were raving/ So high I'm nearly shaking, we left to head back/ We made it to my flat but I'm fucked I said 'in fact.../ Perhaps I'll make us tea! Play some tracks I made in 93/ Show some baby photos, smoke a joint of this Jamaican weed'/ She became impatient, in my head is where it's taking me/ In the end she went to bed, I stayed up staring vacantly/ Too high to try it on, my aphrodisiac was wack/ Please just keep it quiet that I acted like a twat... Jon: Paul, can you hold my pint a second? El: Mate, didn't you just go?.. BAAARF! Jon: Better out than in/ I give my mouth a rinse and plow into the crowd again/ Encountering...Pow, her in the blouse with prim countenance/ Bouncing like something found up in a house of sin/ We hit it off at top speed/ She's bossy but that don't bother me/ Not even her autopsy doctor degree/ She asked me back for coffee so provocatively/ And while we leave they're rocking ' You got what I need..'/ It's looking promising, we stop for a proper kiss/ But something's wrong with it.../ (urgh!) Forgot I vomited/ It's not a problem miss, I got the strong mints!/ But then I trod in dogshit, lost my confidence/ I'm thinking mayday!/ Explain i'm fading away/ Arrange to meet later again at a cafe in the lanes..../Where I wait in vain, what a lame jane!/ But then retracing the way I came, I pass another place with the same name.

Diz(Joey): This might sound weird but have we met before? Jon: She never really fell for anybody else/ Saw him at the airport carousel, was like... Holly(Marie): Fucking hell... El: He never really fell for anybody else/ They were under spells, people on the bus could tell/ Jon: Yeah they were both glued, destiny's a future that you don't choose/ Marie's like... Holly(Marie): Don't spew but I feel like I've always known you El: Echoing her world view as though he knew her home truths/ So two months later, they moved in under their own roof Jon: And soon a year's passed like it's written in the stars/ But today Marie returns early from her dance class El: Joey heard the key in the lock, swallowed hard... Diz: Last chance El: Saw Marie and he dropped, last gasp, last glance... Jon: Yeah she watched him fight it as she rocked him, crying/ Saw the box of Doxylamine, the vodka dry/ And when the docs arrive, there's simply not the time/ The night Joey died and Marie lost her mind When Joey died, Marie went mad... Jon: It was back around when they first met...She asked his star sign.../ Diz(Joey): Pisces, March the 9th Holly(Marie): Nah you're lying... Diz(Joey): Why? Holly(Marie): Bizarre, so's mine! El: Like they were harmonized, he'd finish half her lines/ They even laughed alike, like they were part entwined/ Jon: Marie found it so immersive that it made her nervous/ Told her brain... Holly(Marie): I've earnt it! (But it's way too perfect...) El: From the day of his birth, He'd been raised by strangers, felt the pain, He'd been hurt... Diz(Joey): This is way too perfect.... Jon: Now back to the bathroom, the glass tomb El: A letter on the carpet Jon: She moved in a trance like her heart knew... El: It read... Diz(Joey): I had a chance to uncover my past roots/ They said my mother's dead and my father's passed too/ But I have a twin sister, lives in town somewhere.../ Saw your name written down and now I'm drowning... Jon: Yeah, she never heard the paramedics, but they found her there/ Her face a thousand yard stare/ Tearing out her hair... When Joey died, Marie went mad

Legs: I’m out for the P I E/ You can tell by the look in my E Y E/ I won’t give up, until I D I E/ Cos kids like me wanna be B I G/ I won’t let it cool down I’ll just burn my tongue/ And I couldn’t care less for where it’s from/ Whether it’s fresh or whether it’s been there for long/ It gets set upon cos I’m fairly young/ And I’m greedy, even telling porky pies/ To get to the insides, I’m brought alive/ When I smell it in the air, yo, I walk the line/ For the Johnny Cash the things I’d do would mortify/ And I’m stubborn, telling fans that I love ‘em/ Just to see the tray coming out of the oven/ My reputation is at stake and kidney/ Till I’m pushing up daisies I’ll be taking liberties/ I been surviving on bread and water/ It’s why I’m so desperate to head to Forfars/ A hungry animal that lead the war charges/ And I wouldn’t leave specs even if I wore glasses/ Been waiting for years it’s time to take mine/ Wanna be a made guy and along the grapevine/ I hear that I might, right now, get my chance/ When the pie’s in my grasp and you won’t get a glance like that El: You want a slice or a portion, I advise caution/ It's time for the rise of the Pieman talking/ I hold the mortgage you're renting, I'm writing/ Inventions are mine when I rend them and bite them/ An oversize glutton, stuffed to the ends/ On your ideas, contracts and publishing/ Discouraged by underlings funding themselves/ I need percentage on everything, cupboards and shelves/ I hovered in vaults, holding secretive jars/ With the dreams of the people who seek to be stars/ I'm keeping the key ingredients grasped/ Steal if your schemes are reaching too far/ Stay in your place while I'm making your cake/ And I'm taking a piece when you take it away/ I got low cost loans, overdraughts/ And a cash advance, just know the charge.../ Is a slice of your soul, a midnight snack/ In my nice penthouse, looking right at your flat/ Buy it back at a price that is right, it's a fact.../ That I'll rise, mighty Pieman collides on the track/ I survive every act, I provide what they lack/ Excited cause slices are mine while you catch.../ The crumbs. I dine on your life's work/ Spider to fly, don't cry, this might hurt... Jon: Well you can keep your pie El: But why?! Jon: Well to be polite, like, it's a diseased piece of shite/ People reach for the sky, bright lights and the media hype/ Needing that immediate slice/ But a piece of pie's never been my reason why/ See I feast my eyes on the dreams deep inside.../ These mic freakers who be freely speaking their minds.../ Eyes gleaming like a meteorite El: Ha Ha Ha Jon:Here comes the Pieman with a dish yay-wide/ Twenty four rappers baked inside El: Take a bite! Jon: I'm okay just 'staying alive'/ Wealth is a state of mind/ I got a good thing and they'll all come pushing.../ Out the door, so why try to get my foot in?/ Kids hooked in and hoodwinked, looking for pie, should try my home cooking.../Grab a granary bap from Sainsbury's bakery/ Basically lace it with sweet garlic mayonnaise and baked beans/ Or marmalade and Brie/ Dolcelatte cheese and a flayed pink lady/ Baked potatoes, peas ans gravy/ Cream cakes and pastries/ Dreamy milkshakes made with Baileys and pralines/ Mate, suddenly a piece of pie may seem less amazing.

Diz: Because the possibility is infinite right? Jon: Right. You just got to put the ideas next to eachother... Diz:Yeah! So what's it gonna be, what you gonna have? Jon: I'd own the rights to a prototype motorbike/ Mobilised with a dope mode for flight/ As glowing nitros ignite, we rise into the open sky... El: Hold on tight! Jon: We're bout to go for an ocean dive... El: Well I'd reside where the surface is the ceiling above me/ Riding in on my own giant robot sea monkey/ I need a hand held screen that allows you to see/ The alternative scenes as to how it could be... Jon: D'you fancy an acme invention attached to your head and../ When you imagine anything you get a flash of fluorescence/ That is...a technicolour holographic projection/ Even crashed in bed you're catching segments that you dreamt of... El: I invented a dragon spitting rainbow fire/ I command through a hat made of day-glo wire/ Jon: Safe in space attire made of angel fibre/ I'm a volcano diver... El: A tornado rider! Jon: When I'm inventing El:I got a head full of engines Jon: When I'm inventing, I got a head full of measurements/ Have you put the child inside to sleep?/ And lost your capacity to dream? El: Show me you're still alive! Jon: You can have anything you like... El: What would you visualise? Jon: I want a waterslide, forty stories high/ A winding wall of pipes that fork and divide/ Forest like, shining like the fucking northern lights... El: Where people leave traumatised Jon: Their hair resembling porcupines. El: I need a theme park you can only see in the dark/ That departs in a sheen of glowing green sparks/ And weaves through the tunnels in a showy cream cart/ So exciting you can only scream and breathe hard! Jon: I want total recall/ Info retrieval with no momentary stall/ When I flow in freefall El: I want to go medieval in my own cathedral/ With machines that feed into my holy dream cult Jon: I'll make my home a deep vault of foam and teak walls/ Just so when sleep calls, I'm not woke by seagulls El: I'll make my home a deep hole full of glowing green mould/ On a throne of beetles, In my robe and sheep skull Jon: When I'm inventing... El: I got a head full of engines Jon: When I'm inventing, I got a head full of pestilence/ Have you put child inside to sleep?/ And lost your capacity to dream? El: Show me you're still alive! Jon: You can have anything you like... El: It's the time to improvise...

El: Your rap is pallid rage, average aggy bloke/ I rave inhuman black raps, Edgar Allen Poe/ I can't stand like in a paddleboat/ We stand alone so hand the rope/ Not to hang, but Captain El will let you up, so grab a float/ Washed up on a sandy slope Jon: Or washed up getting badly soaked El: Like shaking up a can of coke, I'm waking up the fans with jokes/ And slamming quotes to leave you happy like a bag of smoke/ At shows I'm groped like catholic nuns who try to grab the pope/ I don't ram it down your throat or battle antlers like an antelope/ I just sling the slang to split your melon like a cantaloupe/ Shit that sells, hits our shelves, hell I'm glad I'm broke/ The vagabond to wrap it up so phat you need a macroscope/ To see the plan in action, it's so massive and it's dope/ I don't butt in like a ram and goat/ Or fad like telly talent shows/ Here's some cash, just get get your coat, grab a cab and go/ If rap's the masses' opiate we're back to bring the antidote... Jon: And my bad aromas have been known to wake the dead/ Invading maisonettes; shaking you vacant space cadets/ And paper chasers with shaven chests/ Wailing wet serenades with pained expressions like they're bout to lay an egg/ We always came correct, staying fresh to great effect/ Upstaging plebs' blatant laziness/ I walk a razor's edge to remain cutting like a bayonet/ Cutting like my mate G petz/ Major heads get blazed and flex vague at best/ As stuck in their ways as scalextric racing sets/ 'Never confuse motion with action' as Hemingway once said/ You may be taking steps, but remaining in place; like majorettes/ Mate, instead of safe repetitive behaviour, lets have a game of chess/ Or play some laserquest/ Take the stage undressed/ Making threats of taking crowd participation to a greater depth/ Yes.

Vecks: So tell me what happened man Jon: I don't even want to think about it... Well...The night it begun, I was up in a night club/ I saw this fight erupt and one of them bit my wife Vecks: Fuck. Jon: And you? Vecks: Me, I was sat on a night bus/ And one of the kids beside us was acting all riled up Jon: Right..what, and then he tried to bite someone? Vecks: He tried to lunge for me but I ducked and he struck the guy in front/ Time to run... Jon: So...how'd you get outside? You're stuck... Vecks: All I remember is the violent crush/ And the driver's stunned face, he applied the brakes too late and sent us straight into the base of a viaduct... Jon: That's quite fucked up Vecks: Yeah, my mind was in a kind of fuzz/ Nausea rising inside my guts/ As I climbed and jumped from one of the windows which had been bruck by the mighty shunt Jon: What a slice of luck Vecks: I fled blind in a primal rush/ And ran until I could feel the fire in my tired lungs/ And by the light of dusc/ I felt my eyes adjust to the panic which was spreading through the environment/ Tell me bout your wife... Jon: I drug her outside the club, but it was riotous/ Hungry animals in a writhing flux/ As sirens cut through the screams of dying drunks/ Dissected alive in front the lights of the fire trucks/ Vecks: Crikey son, how'd you survive that one? Jon: I dragged her flying and cut through behind an Irish pub/ In a winding run, stumbling over piles of junk/ 'Are you alright there hon?'/ She said her side's gone numb... Vecks: You didn't realise what the virus does... Jon: We lived nearby and just wanted to get inside the door and then slide it shut Vecks: Christ Jon: She said she'd like a hug/ I felt her icy touch/ She tried to tear my windpipe...I ..um/ I think I picked a rusty old iron up and wildly swung/ Until I couldn't recognise the bride I loved... News Reporter: We're in Notting Hill, a part of London. Who knows if this report will ever be transmitted. Communication is, at best, limited. The city it seems is overrun with man eating creatures and... Camerawoman: They're coming! News Reporter: Run! Van Driver: Shit Jon: Hey...hey man, wake up Vecks: Unhh Jon: Oi, we have to move Vecks: What's happening dude? Jon: I just seen a massive group of them attack a news camera crew Vecks: Is that the truth? Mate, I'm trying to catch a snooze... Jon: Listen, I hear their van abandoned, it's our chance to scoot Vecks: But their ranks are huge, I'm not in a gambling mood Jon: We're down to two cans of soup, we need to bag some food! Vecks: Man, I'm famished too, but if we leave the gaff we're screwed!! Jon: Shhh dammit do you want them fucking smashing through? CRASHHH! Jon: That's it, MOVE! C'mon fast, the loo! Vecks: Ahhh! Jon: The latch is loose, pull the handle to! Vecks: Aww we're trapped, we're doomed! Jon: Nah, this backs onto the avenue Vecks: Hold it, I'll scramble through... Jon: Fuck that, I'm coming after you! Vecks: Ahhh my shoe! Jon: C'mon the van! Vecks: Where to? Jon: The van was... Vecks: Dude?! Jon: It's fucking vanished. Vecks: Oh you twat, I knew!.. Jon: Watch out in back of you!! Vecks: Ahhh!! Jon: Use your hammer!! Vecks: It's no bastard use!! (Van sound) Jon: Look!... Vecks: Is that... Jon: The van!! Vecks: My god it's actually true! El: Climb aboard lads, find something to grab onto! Jon: Man, thank you! Vecks: Sorry, I might have to puke... ( Van swerves wildly) Jon: You're a madman! Vecks: I'm getting smacked black and blue! El: Stay down boys, I'm about to ram us through! SMASHH! Jon: Woah!!..... What's the plan then? El: Soon we'll back on the back roads and travel to../ My country manor sat in a panoramic view/ See my wife and my little girl are panicked too............. Well here we are... Jon: Damn, it's huge! El: Well it's home, amble through, go on grab a brew SLAMM! Jon: The door slammed! Vecks: It's jammed!! Jon: What you playing at?!! Vecks: This room smells baaaad... Jon: Fuck you!! Vecks: It's like a rancid tomb. El: I've had the doors reinforced so they're shatterproof Vecks: Quick, find the lights! Jon: Nah, they're knackered! Vecks: Dude, I just saw the shadows move!!... El: Sorry lads, a man must get his family food/ Please understand, this is something that I had to do.

El: From the second I'm awake, I'm restless, demanding/ Eat anticipation for breakfast, I'm starving/ Producing beautiful new tunes to spin/ I'm assuming ludicrous pseudonyms/ I'm tuning an invention, every second is a sentencing.../ Where soon is an adventure and forever could be anything or everything/ Precious treasured seconds to be measured in/ Precious memories left as excellent specimens/ Settle in and listen, every second I'm menacing in masks like I was entering some Mexican wrestling/ I'm dark entropy's enemy and ready to run/ I race past every day like the setting of suns/ Til each verse is the best that I ever begun/ So instead of just words, turns to getting it done/ Are your seconds heavyweight if they were measured in fun?/ Will you settle second place or end up second to none because... Time keeps on slipping Jon: I'll second that/ I been collecting seconds back since I was a sweaty lad/ Man, still I never let one pass/ I want my memories pregnant, fat/ So that I'm not a scratched record as a grandad El: Life moves pretty fast Jon: And so I catch the blur/ Sixty snaps per minute, the photographs occur/ With an attention span that burns Attenborough's cameras/ Can I capture Planet Earth? El: Yes! Jon: Not a sec sec second to waste/ They're getting away!/ I'm watching documentary tapes.../ Of Nepalese beehives with hexagon shapes/ Covered in insects that can make Mexican waves/ Oi! Whatever your name/ Let's pay attention again and document the pleasure, the pain/ If you thought you we're dead anyway.../ Would you sex on a plane if you reckoned only seconds remained because... Time keeps on slipping

Diz: In a moment of no motion, the city shimmers and pauses/ The buildings held in position by different forces/ The houses whisper the stories of the people in them/ I'm willing to whisper with them/ Living the lost hour, metal shutters cover the shops now/ The call to consumption finally locked out/ The sober folk are back in their boxes/ So aside from the staggering drunk who grabs at his monsters.../ It's just me and the badgers and foxes/ Who vanish in the shadows, fast as a clock's tick/ Take it, take in the air cos it's yours/ There's no traffic to steal it, no police with their various laws.../ To say which direction you can't walk in/ Walk to the cemetery, catch a scarlet morning.../ Fling it's first fingers of colour from the coming sun/ The fingers by which the dark'll be undone/ The sun suddenly comes struggling free from the horizon/ A rumble of life hums in the stomach of Brighton/ And each nugget of light brings a wonder inviting me to come and imbibe it/ I'm happy where I sit and nothing is like this... This Graveyard is my garden. A place of calm where I can take the stars in... Jon: I been visiting the cemetery regularly since I was twenty three/ My friends and me, we leap the fence and weave through an annexe of trees/Where granite effigies nestle in nettle leaves/ Asleep at Gethsemane/ We're descending deep to the church by the waterfall/ The terminal where the horse-pulled coffins halt... Diz: Jon, we're gonna tour the memorials Jon: Y'know I'll just coch, it's cool, I got some thoughts to scrawl/ I'm on a stroll until I found a good nook in the woods/ Put down my rucksack and then I took off my hood/ A ladybird is whooshing in to get a look at my book/ I blew her back in the bush, so that she wouldn't get squooshed/ I lean against grey bark in a great graveyard/ Bathing in a star until the glade is dark/ 'Change your heart'/ Look around you at the fading grass/ We age and break apart/ Are you frightened? I am/ But then inside, when it's silent, I find a piece of diamond lightning/ I don't even like to describe it/ Just kind of a wild quiet riding behind our eyelids/ Reminding me the epiphany my mate once came with.../ 'Energy never dies it just changes state' ,which is why this location is sacred/ And why a field paved with graves is my favourite place... This Graveyard is my garden. A place of calm where I can take the stars in... El: I didn't want to come here in the first place/ First taste of fear, this is clearly the worst place/ I should be nearly in bed, eyes heavy and rested/ Instead it's adventures for those interested in opposing a regular entry/ Instead, we climb over the fence to find friends sedentary/ An end to an accentuated garden of secrets/ Punctuated by the restless feathers of the sleepless/ The three of us climbing into an obelisk/ Creeping sheepishly through the sleepiest necropolis/ Midnight possibilties, black is white/ And for a second every resident comes back to life/ In essence, reminding us that time is limited/ So in the time left, every breath that's given is an incredible inevitability/ Acknowledging death gives a shred of humility/ Left with an illegible entry, an etched footnote/ Stone platitudes, the next good quote/ I find inspiration in the night air and the company/ Find life in the graveyard, each sight is somebody/ And I'm sure they're glad of the company too/ That these three gents found something to do/ Where the residents sleep and the memories seep into B-movie scenery and unmeasured peace.